A Mai Tai Supernova

If one of five stars goes nova, blowing itself into a shiny nebula, you may still have five fascinating (or delicious) objects, but do you still have five stars, or only four? For now, I've chosen to demerit Trader Vic's to four stars!

You might recall the scene in Animal House where the students are smoking pot with their teacher, who tells them that each atom is like a solar system. "Your fingernail contains a whole Universe!" Or you might have seen "Mai Tai" defined as a "Tunable One-Box Femtosecond Ti:sapphire Laser Source" on the Search for the Ultimate Mai Tai web page. You might conclude that mind- altering substances are somehow connected to the deepest mysteries of Nature, and that drinking Mai Tais in particular might lead to some startling scientific revelations, if only the links aren't broken.

Or you might not.

In any case, when I visited the Trader Vic's in the Beverly Hills Hilton for the second time, I had a book in tow, to make up for the lack of a companion. I was on page 182 of "The Search for Superstrings, Symmetry, and the Theory of Everything" by John Gribbon, which reads, in part, "... But here the plot begins to thicken. The carriers of the weak interaction, the W and Z bosons, have, as we have seen, large masses - 80 GeV for the Ws and 91 GeV for the Z. Because of this, the weakening of the relevant coupling constant only shows up at energies greater than those equivalent to the masses of the W and Z...." Obviously interesting reading while sipping a classic Mai Tai! One can only hope that the mystical potion at once focuses and unleashes the brain to uncover fundamental principles, or that it somehow induces God to tip His hand and reveal them. (Or one might not.)

Or perhaps the ambience is too distracting to think, breaking the link. At Trader Vic's, the music was excellent, standard Hawaiian tunes performed in slack key, as well as some newer-sounding, jazzy stuff, like "Slack Key Boogie Woogie". The bamboo is stained a warm dark ukelele brown, and the few nice tikis are in a generally tasteful if not flawless room. A parking ticket stuck out of my pocket, reminding me to ask if they validate hotel parking (which they do, avoiding the $4 valet fee.) The occasional visit by the wait staff bringing bread and water also broke my concentration.

Finally, curiosity about the $8.25 Mai Tai got the better of me. Though still intrigued by the contents of the atom, I inquired about the contents of my glass. "Light and dark rum," I was told, and I observed the mint sprig and Trader Vic logo skewer piercing a cherry and pineapple cube. A 5-Star Mai Tai, against which I have compared the competition in all my prior reviews. If God won't divulge the true nature of Nature, then by God I'll discover the inner workings of this drink!

On the way out, $42, two Mai Tais and a very good Chinese-barbecued chicken later, I stopped at the bar to chat with the bartender. He tipped his hand, and changed forever the way I look at two things: Mai Tais, and physics.

The Mai Tai doesn't use the Lemon Hart Demerera Rum, as I'd reported in my earlier review. That is reserved for the Navy Grog. The Mai Tai uses the house rums, a dark Jamaican called Coruba, and Maraga Cay, a light from the West Indies. Then, to my utter horror, the bartender reached under the counter and pulled out-

Before I tell you what horrified me, first imagine Einstein rolling glass marbles around in a dish, demonstrating the relativity of motion. Imagine him then receiving a vision from God, who tells him that atoms are actually made of - surprise - glass marbles! Not fundamental particles, not quarks or mu mesons, just ordinary children's marbles. Would Einstein have been disappointed?

The bartender pulled out a bottle of Trader Vic's Mai Tai Mix, and in the blunder of a lifetime, confided that that's how he made my drinks!

Einstein was like, "well, duh!"

Taste:
Atmosphere:
Date Visited: November 3, 1999
Reviewed By: David Bartell

I was unusual in that I did not arrive in a limo. Parked in the hotel garage for a few bucks. Once inside, I had to wend around the hotel until I found Trader Vic's, which had its own parking: valet.

My meal was terrific; a unique lobster dish, if pricey. Better than the poor food reported at the now- closed Vic's in Washington, D.C.

Atmosphere is upscale tropical, with a garden view, something like Disney's Enchanted Tiki Room without the birds. Nice.

I had two drinks, a Scorpion, and a Mai Tai. I love Scorpions, but this was run-of-the-mill. Strong, but very plain. Best thing about it was the huge real flower floating in it, with an aroma more intoxicating than the drink.

The Mai Tai was astounding. I'd never had one remotely like this (authentic instead of spiked Kool- Aid.) Perhaps it was the Lemon Hart Demerera, the mint sprig, or some other subtle ingredients. This was refreshing, not tart nor sweet, but complex and elusive.

Taste:
Atmosphere:
Date Visited: March 1999
Reviewed By: David Bartell

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